"Oh Sh*t Moments...": Episode 1
These were the years I rarely used an assistant and although it took less than 10 minutes to prostrate and pack up the lights, everyone vacated the church before I finished. And not just the sanctuary, the entire premises. The church lady, the maintenance man, all gone.
My Volkswagen was the only car in the parking lot, and I was the only human inside. Looking back I'm sure God was there, seeing as (*spoiler alert) he soon found me in peril and sent an angel (foreshadowing) to my rescue.
Dripping with cameras and bags I walked to my car and plunged my hands into one of the bags to retrieve my keys. I moved swiftly, but I still had at least 20-30 minutes before the bride and groom made their entrance into the reception and the Carolina Inn was less than 5 miles away.
"not in that bag (inner monologue) ...or that one...or...shit, where are they....and if I can't find them what-in-all-that-is-holy am I going to do?"
"oh, THAT'S RIGHT." I set them down in the parlor during the preparations for some weird reason.
I dashed back inside he church, up the sanctuary aisle and into the parlor. "I remember setting the keys down on the side table next to the couch that, considering it's fabric, was older than me. "ugh...they GONE!!
"How am I going to get to the reception?"
"What if I can't get there!!"
Much in the way, I expect the mind scans vignettes of your life when you're about to die, my brain sifted through dozens of options. "Schelp to the highway and flag down a car? Or maybe I should phone Rod, my husband, who, by this time, was at home in Raleigh downing his third or fourth beer with his buddy Clay. All of these options, however, had some serious downsides, least of which was missing the entrance, first dances, speeches and, "oh my God, what if I miss the entire reception!!"
Adrenalin shot to my brain, my knees buckled and my hands began to fold in prayer....and just then...
He heard me and within seconds, my angel appeared, holding a vacuum cleaner and speaking little English.
"HALLELUJIAH!!" He may not have wings, but he had a car. Apparently, God sends angels to clean his houses and to rescue stranded wedding photographers.
"Please, please, if you drive me to the Carolina Inn right now, with no questions, I'll pay you $30 dolores!!"
And for the first, and I assume last time in my career, I was chauffeured to the reception, not in a limousine along with the bride and groom by a professional driver, but in a lo-rider Nissan blasting mariachi music driven by an angel.
*later that night my keys returend by a well-meaning uncle who collected them thinking someone had left them. Please, if you find yourself in a church, at a wedding and you see keys, LEAVE THEM THERE, most likely someone will need them there and not in your tuxedo!
photograph i: John Caserta | adjunct professor | RISD | John is available for assignments through the MISSY MCLAMB AGENCY. To view and purchase more of John's photographs, products and artwork visit www.johncaserta.com. He's a helluva a friend, designer and teacher. His key photograph was part of his project while on the Fulbright Scholarhship and was photographed in Montenero, Italy
photograh ii: Andrea Zanchi. I don't know Andrea personally but her work is lovely and you can see more at http://www.sullastrada.net/.
P.S. Much in the way an experienced carpenter outlines his tools on a cork board and he returns them to their proper spot after each use, since that day, I too have only one place where my keys are stowed while photographing a wedding. Always, always in the right front pouch of my Billingham camera bag (only themost beautifully functional camera bags on the planet: http://www.billingham.co.uk/pages/index.php
And much like feeding Gremlins after midnight, this rule is NEVER to be broken.
